Cigarettes and Coffee

On a recent Walt Disney World trip, we spent a few nights at the All-Star Music Resort. It's in the cheapest tier of Disney resorts (along with All-Star Sports, All-Star Movies, and Pop Century), and if you don't need much in the way of frills--dining options, spacious rooms, boat/Monorail service--it's a great option. With a discount or two, you're looking at rates as low as $60 per night.

You know how when you were a kid, if your parents weren't obscenely wealthy, you'd get birthday presents that closely resembled the things you'd asked for? Things that were, say, a little less expensive because the manufacturer didn't have to kick any licensing money over to, say, George Lucas? Well, Disney's value resorts seem to operate under similar monetary restrictions. Its lone dining facility, the Intermission Food Court, features an immense, room-spanning mural of musicians who closely resemble many of your favorite stars. And honestly, sometimes the resemblance isn't very close at all. Exhibit A:

This isn't actually connected to the mural--it's on a different wall--but it serves as a nice little amuse bouche (amuse yeux?). The guy on the right could be Mick Jagger's stand-in, if you squint and have a couple beers in you. The woman on the left might be...Tina Yothers? David St. Hubbins?

So now, after picking up our Mickey Waffles and coffee, we get to the main seating area and the mural proper. If you think you know who some of theses people might be, feel free to leave your guesses in the comments.

1. For me, this Marilyn Monroe is the only clearly recognizable celebrity of the bunch. It's pretty unambiguous. This is deceptive, and only serves to enhance your confusion when you see the rest of the Almost-Stars.

2. Some sort of half-rodent Sal Mineo and George W. Bush on shore leave? Seriously that guy's teeth are insane.

3. Liz swears this is supposed to be Michael Bolton, but the guitar--a twelve-string, no less--tells me otherwise. And his hair is too straight. Woody Harrelson in Yes Can Do: The Daryl Hall Story?

4. I don't see how this could be anyone but Milton Berle. Maybe he was Roy Rogers for Halloween one year or something.

5. Sarah Jessica Parker and Ray Parker Jr. at the lowest point of their respective careers?

6. I got nothin'. Bobby Bonilla?

7. That's totally Amanda Plummer on the right. Maybe a lost Reagan cousin on the left. In the middle...Martin Short in half-drag, maybe. This is where my head starts to hurt.

8. Liz says this one's a young Queen Elizabeth II. She sure could swing!

9. Because when you think of Gap ads, you think of Ornette Coleman.

10. I mean, there's kind of a Nigel Tufnel thing going on, but his clothes are way too '80s Springsteen. Or maybe it's David Coverdale in an Eddie Van Halen wig.

11. I think the verdict on this one was "Flashdance in a body stocking."

12. There's no question that this is Yeardley Smith, of Herman's Head and Lisa Simpson fame.

13. These two just look so powerfully strange together, I can't bear to separate them. Again, no idea. Maybe a Bangle? And a miniature Bob Dylan, as portrayed by some lost Turturro brother with a thing for bolo ties?

Well, I hope you enjoyed our little tour of the Intermission Food Court. As a reward for those of you who made it to the end, these little Lucite-mounted beauties adorn the trash receptacles in the same room at All-Star Music. Wrong Cinderella, guys!